World Mental Health Day 2018

Today made me think. I wrote a post one year ago this day. This year I’ve been kinda shielded from the heaviest part of mental illness. I’ve had my down periods but I hung in there and haven’t had any need for sick leave or therapy.

I’m thankful for that.

Having a good mental health isn’t something I take for granted. I struggle with my little issues more or less on a daily basis but I’m still happy I haven’t fallen back into that deep dark hole again. Maybe I never will, who knows. A girl can dream.

I’m just very conscious about my issues, and try my best (even though I fail more than not) to not let it get the best of me. The worst part from day to day is me having to face strangers every day for work. That I feel I’m getting tested somehow, or my knowledge questioned. That I should know ALL the answers to all the questions a customer might have. I often feel like I’m not taken seriously, like I give the impression of being some idiot. I’m probably not taken for a total moron, but I can’t help feel that way.

If I could choose, I’d rather just go to classes and spend my days studying and not having the responsibility of working and facing strangers. Every time I secretly wish that was my life I immediately feel immature. Like I’m not supposed to think like that, I’m an adult. And then I feel shame. And guilt. And suck it all up because «tomorrow is a new day». And when the new day arrives the same thoughts come along..

I genuinely feel jealous of those who never suffered from mental illness. Those who had nothing more than a bad day once in a while, and who manages to pull themselves together and make themselves feel better. I reckon there is not many of those kind of people but surely there are a few who never spend days, weeks, and years feeling like crap. You lucky bastards!

When I think back, I probably struggled with several issues from a young age. But, being the silent kid who kept to herself, nobody really noticed. And I don’t blame them. And when childhood went over to the teen years – man! The insecurity went through the roof! Haha. I sure don’t miss being that kid again! Even though my life was much less complicated than now (but of course, like any brat I didn’t realise that then) I wouldn’t go back. At least I know who I am now, and actually do believe in myself deep down somewhere.

Adolescence and the early years of adulthood are a time of life when many changes occur, for example changing schools, leaving home, and starting university or a new job. For many, these are exciting times. They can also be times of stress and apprehension however. In some cases, if not recognized and managed, these feelings can lead to mental illness.

I haven’t slept well for days because work is stressing me out. I feel useless every day. My heart is racing even though I’m calm. My neck and shoulders are in constant cramp. The smallest things make me cry from stress. I have short temper and zero patience.

But I’m happy. I have a will to live and I know this will pass. Better times are coming and I’m eagerly awaiting them. Darkness will not win this time.

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