They say…

You should do one thing a day that scares you.

So today I did. I picked up the phone at work and called a total stranger about an offer we have.

I HATE speaking on the phone, especially to people I don’t know. And when I feel its like a sales call I hate it EVEN MORE. So needless to say, I was nervous and anxiety ridden all day thinking about this.

That I have to do it, that it is expected of me and that the head office are expecting results from the calls made today. So, as always, my brain shut down. I forget half the words I’m supposed to say and I feel like I make no sense. All the time I was waiting for an answer I prayed the person wouldn’t take the call. But I wasn’t that Lucky, haha.

He answered and I was like «Damn.» I was just about to hang up because he took a little while to answer, so I was surprised when I heard a «Hello» at the other end. And I completely forgot how to talk like a sane person but I kinda managed to get the message out. And he just listened patiently and wasn’t annoyed at all, as I expected. He just asked me to send the offer on e-Mail so he could read through when he had more time (he was at work of course).

The whole thing lasted probably 3 mins but I was still shaking for hours afterwards. THANK GOD the person at the other end was nice, even though it made me feel like a moron for spending my day being a nervous wreck. But it did give me a feeling of mastering things I am afraid of.

I’m not completely cured of calling strangers, not by far, but the little things help when it comes to self-worth. I CAN do it, it will NOT kill me and the worst that can happen is a no. I try to keep this is mind but it just gets pushed far back there by the other thoughts. The far more negative thoughts. But here is proof that I actually did it. Anxiety and social phobia is hard but I just refuse to let it hold me back. I guess I could get some kind of note from the doctor telling me not to do those tasks but then my negative thoughts would win. Everything they keep telling me is true, I am useless, I am a coward and I am immature and can’t do «grown up stuff».

I’ve had it with that way of thinking. I’ve been doing it my whole life. More or less impossible to change but I can always try. Good thing I’m stubborn, haha.

Yes, I have mental health issues, but they are not who I am. They are a part of me, and I never will get well, but I am more than that. It’s about time I fight back.

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