Having depression that comes and goes in periods is never easy. I have finished my bachelor’s degree and I am currently studying for the master’s degree. Studying while having to work 80% sure is demanding.
I barely got the bachelor thesis done in time, and of course I had a down-period while working on it. Now I have one year left of my master, and I’m once again down that hole. I love being a student, but I can’t say I don’t envy my co-students who doesn’t have to work as much as I do. On a good day it’s fine but when I struggle its hell on Earth. It makes me question what the hell I am thinking, and I feel like I’m the stupid one in my class. It feels like all the others got this shit while I’m just over here not knowing what I’m doing. And no matter how I plan my day, I never get to do enough. I should have gotten much more done!
Having all these thoughts and doubts is exhausting because they are there all the time, and it affects me at work. Of course it kinda rubs off at my self-esteem as a shop assistant – I feel like worthless garbage there too.
I can’t wait until school is done and I don’t have the guilty conscience that I should be studying more, I should be more engaged in school, I should this, I should that….! When I can get home from work, and that is more or less it. If I want to Netflix all night, I can. There is no books laying around that I should open. No assignments to keep me up at night.
I’m more motivated for school than I ever was as young but it is also so much harder now. My mind is working against me and I have to battle that on top of everything. I have decided that I WILL DO THIS anyway, I refuse to let my mind keep me from finishing my dreams. I really, really need to focus on that I have come more than halfway through it, that it will all be worth it in the end and that I can. I am capable. I am smarter than I think. In a year from now I will have my master’s degree, and it will have cost me blood, sweat and tears – but I did it!
Here’s to hoping!