Just venting…

So I’m back. For now. Since last time I’ve finished my master’s degree.

And it didn’t go too well. My thesis got a shitty grade, I complained and now it just got a bad grade. I’m broken.

Five years of studies right down the drain. People say «no one will ask for your grade when you apply for a job» but yes, they do. I already expirienced that. Which means I will never be selected. I’m scared to apply in case they ask again.

I just feel like the nobody I always thought I was. I’ve been going to university for five years and apparently learned nothing. I’m useless, and now I got it on paper. I regret going back to school. I had hopes of getting myself a good job I could stay in for years and years, but I should be happy I can keep my job as a shop assistant. With no chance to move on up, or develop in other ways.

This just confirmed my imposter syndrome so bad. There is no doubt; I AM A COMPLETE MORON. I wanted to do this to prove myself and people around me that we’re all wrong. Weeeeell, are we though….?

I hate this. I hate my life. I hate myself. Everything I touch turns to shit. I need to stop dreaming and start living in the real world. Just accept that things I want for myself will never happen. Make the best of what is instead of trying to make it better.

I just deleted my LinkedIn-account because I felt stupid about it. It felt good. It was a reminder of the successfull people who actually got a brain, and although I’m happy for them, I just don’t need that reminder in my life right now. I also removed the education-part from my presentation on Fb. No need to flash it. I just need to forget it all.

In time, it will get better I guess. But it hurts having a master’s degree I really can’t put to use. And I’m not starting over, I am completely exhausted after having a full time job and studies on the side. I’m totally burned out.

What I do have, on the other hand, is a student loan debt from here to Hell that I need to start paying off next year. With my low salary. So there’s that.

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